I almost gave up. But I didn’t.
I hesitate to write about why, but I think it matters and it might serve another good.
Because, as I’ve moved forward with my hopes and goals, I’ve uncovered some truly self-sabotaging habits, ones that I wouldn’t have become aware of unless I’d committed to achieving my vision.
The self-sabotage showed up in my relationships - in the realization that I was answering to people who didn’t want to see me succeed. I hadn’t been aware of the ‘terms’ of certain interactions until I challenged them by holding myself to a higher standard.
Now I’ve upset the assumptions, the expectations those connected to me were most invested in. I’m upgrading, and some are taking it personally. Still snagged on barbed beliefs about comparison and competition, it seems they need me to fail in order to feel good about themselves. If they’re to stay in dialogue with me, it means they’ll have to take a closer look at their motives.
It’s been a very painful and gradual realization on my part. I didn’t want it to be true, because I didn’t want to have to make the choice between someone I love and my own success and happiness. But, really, there is no choice. For the sake of what I know to be more true, I've got to let go of the 'bonds of suffering' we held in common, no matter how dear they may seem.
Putting another’s approval or comfort before my own joyful pursuit would be a disservice.The truth I refuse to abandon is that my success does not define another's failure; that there is freedom, space and capability for every desiring individual to succeed. Playing myself down to satisfy another’s insecurity would simply be a sin against the best in both of us.
I choose better.