From my journal June 2012...
"Last nightI began meditating a little earlier so I wouldn’t be so tired and fall asleep. Was thinking about Erin, about my girls when they were babies. I was so young - hadn’t felt ready to be a mother - had not felt mothered myself.
I'd been reading Steve Job's biography and thought how he’d been abandoned by his birth mother, hadn't been wanted. Remembered how I'd felt unwanted and unloved. It is a theme - many of us feeling the absence of our mothers.
I began meditating on my loving, mother feelings, remembering Erin as a newborn. I imagined her small again and that I was holding her in my arms.
I wanted to go back, back to the times when the men in my life had put me down, had told my girls I wasn’t loving. I wanted to go back and say “I love my daughters. The error you see in me is the error you won't see as your own. Do not bring it here and hurt my child. I will protect them from you.” I couldn’t do that then, but I could do it now - I have that power, that clarity.
So I went back in my heart, to that time, and I held my baby close and felt the sureness of my Mother Love. I meditated on my love for my daughters, let the Mother Love take me.Went to bed and had a dream...
I'm driving down a residential street in a old car. I suddenly swerve to the right to avoid hitting a woman lying in the street, wounded. I stop and jump out of the car and quickly go to her, cover her with my coat because she is naked. I think to get the denim quilt out of my car, but it isn’t there, it’s in the other car.
I take the woman home, to one of the homes on the street. In her room is her baby. The baby has been hurt by the woman, by the things she didn’t know. The baby is a newborn, but she is able to talk. She is saying that she knew, remembers the world before her birth. She knows she came with a purpose, even though she has been hurt. It is part of the plan.
I want to heal the baby. I pick her up and hold her little, naked body to my heart. I hope that the skin-to-skin comfort will heal the baby. I lie down on the bed and a Father Spirit covers us with a soft, quilted comforter.
I’m lying on the bed and look up. I can see an angel above us, near the ceiling. The angel calls to me and I leave my body to join the angel. It feels so sweet to go to the angel. Just as I get there, someone, a man, comes into the room and my attention is brought back. I return to the bed."
"While some who write in psychology today tout the leaving of the entire mother matrix as though it were a coup....in truth, the construct and concept of the wild mother can never and should never be abandoned. For if it is, a woman abandons her own deep nature, the one with all the knowing in it, all the bags of seeds, all the thorn needles for mending, all the medicines for work and rest and love and hope." Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD